One night I was watching TV and a character said something that really hit me. "I learned a secret. There's no without, I am not gone. I'm scattered into so many pieces, sprinkled on your life like new snow"(Haunting of Hill House). Physically my husband is gone, but he's created a ripple effect. Everything he's ever done had a cause and reaction.
I thought to myself, do you remember the overwhelmed mother whom my husband helped at the supermarket? She had 3 screaming kids attached to her hip as she struggled to lift the heavy bags. He walked over & swiftly lifted them into the car, & you could tell that the frustrated mother felt her mood brighten. If he hadn't done that, would she have gotten fed up with her children & started a screaming fit? Would she have said things she regretted?
I thought about that other time when the homeless man sitting on the corner of the street had a sign requesting spare change so he could buy a suit for an interview. My husband spared a few extra dollars and a few months later saw this man on the news. He bought the suit at Goodwill & went on to interview for a construction position. He is no longer homeless;
your husbands spare change turned a disgruntled old man into a happier and more stable version of himself. The small action completely changed the direction of this man's life.
I remember when my husband sat next to a college freshman on the train. She gushed about her love for writing but was pressured by her parents to pursue "the only worthwhile degree" to become a nurse. He sat there and listened and told her to follow her passion. She needed fulfillment in her career if she was going to work in that industry for the next 40 years. She shouldn't be miserable for half of her life...she considered this for a second, and said she might just change her field of study.
My husband's small actions pivoted the lives of many. His kindness was reciprocated & lives on in the ripple. Aspects of my joint routine live on, too. I still go to the deli every Sunday, as a sort of tribute to him. Even more so, his love impacted me. I didn't know my heart could radiate so much love for a person.
My husband is here, just not in the same form. He is sprinkled "like confetti" into everything I do. His actions created a domino effect, and the dominoes are still falling in the lives of that mother and her children, that bright-eyes college student, that man with a new home. A physical part of him exists in my children's DNA. Pieces of his personality live on, like his stubbornness and intelligence which were gifted to my son, and his generosity and passion which were gifted to my daughter.
This doesn't make the loss any easier, but I take solace knowing that he did not completely disappear. He's made great strides and bettered the world. He is sprinkled in my life and I am utterly blessed for knowing him.